hope/future

some simple things

2010-10-04T15:28:00.000-04:00

by the young republic

there are some simple things i know that work:
well-dressed mixed company, good wine, and dessert.
a game of croquet by the parthenon, a quilt the girls made stretched out on the lawn.
an old country house with a wood dock and pond, that old boston park where the boats look like swans.

there are some simple things that pick me up:
strained earl gray in a porcelain cup.
the beach boys play loud on a car stereo, a picture of my folks from long ago.
a date with a friend who you don't see enough, a movie on tv with an actor you love.

there are some simple things i know that work:
pans on the fire, bare feet in the dirt.
the first chill of fall- a call for sweaters and scarves, a couple in the field, alone with the stars.
a new pair of shoes that make your legs long, a slow summer waltz against a nice chest and arms.

aaahahaha

2010-04-27T15:59:00.002-04:00

flashback

2010-04-27T14:39:00.002-04:00

hours spent at this park.

hope pays off.

2010-04-22T20:51:00.000-04:00

parental explanations

2010-02-19T17:48:00.000-05:00

luke: what's jagermeister?

phil: you know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? well, this is like that except you don't wake up in a castle — you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation.

triggered

2009-12-16T19:44:00.001-05:00

this was my bus stop freshman year of high school.

winter plans

2009-12-15T13:01:00.001-05:00

i'm spending part of january here.

but only after christmas here and some in between time here.

nevermind

2009-11-15T19:32:00.002-05:00

made a call.
got an answer.
the bugs have been flushed.

boy friends are as good as boyfriends (almost).

times i wish i had a boyfriend (part 1)

2009-11-15T19:09:00.002-05:00

my room has been infested by ladybugs. it was really bad a few weeks ago, but since then things have calmed down on the spotted crunchy bug front.

well, today they came back. in full force. and they've teamed up with the stinkbugs. it's disgusting.

what's so bad about ladybugs, you may ask. they're the best of the bugs! the cutest! the most darling! make the best halloween costume! well, that's all well and good when they're out in your garden or made out of felt and put on your 18 month old. but once they come into your bedroom/living room/study it's not. they're huge and yellow, to begin with. they make a flapping noise when they fly, and a crunching noise when you kill them. (it's gotten to the point where i can hear one flying across the room.) they also smell.

they've been congregating around one window, so i decided to do the brave thing today and open it to see if i could figure out where they were coming in. i was greeted by a carpet of ladybugs on my windowsill. gross. needless to say, i promptly shut the window.

it's a few hours later, now dark outside, and i've tracked down a dustbuster. i brave the window once again, and start suckin' up those confounded bugs. this worked pretty well. a few escaped into little crevices, but the majority of them were quickly whisked away into a small plastic chamber, joining dustbunnies and popcorn kernels.

my question is... what now? they're all in there, crawling around. i can see them. do i just dump them outside? because i know they'll be back. and i'll just have to suck 'em up again. the worst part is they're starting to crawl through the labyrinth of the inside of the vacuum and are getting out! i've just been watching the vacuum and suckin' 'em back in when necessary, but this whole situation is so far beyond me...

i should say i don't typically mind bugs. in fact, i often "save" my roommate from spiders. but for some reason my skin's been crawling with imaginary ladies all day.

these are the things that will be someone else's responsibility someday. preferably soon.

2009-10-20T23:06:00.002-04:00

new (old) favorite song.

geekin' out.

2009-08-06T11:23:00.002-04:00

i promise i won't post about work regularly, but this presentation is enough to make me consider walking away from non-profit work and apply to work at netflix. so. cool.
Culture

View more presentations from reed2001.

wedding smiles

2009-07-26T14:33:00.001-04:00

stadee-

how about this for an entrance?

<3 vschep

volumes

2009-06-09T15:17:00.003-04:00

i'm commuting to boston 4 days a week at the moment, which gives me a lot of time on the train.

i like it more than i thought i would.

during that time i can read, listen to music, think about the day and how i'd like to use it, contemplate how best to serve others at work or home... there's wifi, but i don't use it. i don't use my phone if i can avoid it.

that quiet time -- an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon/evening -- is mine.

so far this summer i've read:
the shack
nov 22, 1963

and started:
a little history of the world

i'd forgotten what it felt like to read for pleasure.

at the moment

2009-05-14T19:57:00.002-04:00

old world

2009-05-02T18:39:00.001-04:00

there was a time in my life when if someone said,
"i was talking to anders the other day..."
i'd need to ask,
"which one?"

not any more.
i need to go back to the midwest.

country mouse

2009-05-01T00:44:00.003-04:00

i'm not sure what it is about country music that makes me feel good.
maybe it's the idea that other people don't have it all together.
maybe it's finding beauty and pleasure in the small things like the way someone drives, pulls their ponytail through their baseball hat, or talks out of the corner of their mouth.
maybe it's a connection with family and home, consciously idealizing a place from the past.
maybe it's pride in your country, regardless of politics.
maybe it's guitar.
maybe it's jeans. i'm a big fan of jeans.
maybe it's how genuine the people seem, much more so than in other genres.
maybe it's grit and dirt, dogs and trucks, lemonade and apple pie.
but maybe it's that other people are just as crazy hopeful as i am that this'll all work out someday.

all the single ladies...

2009-04-26T12:52:00.003-04:00

doesn't get much better

2009-04-21T17:12:00.001-04:00

than this.

idols

2009-04-16T21:15:00.000-04:00

why can't american idol have more people like paul and susan?

totally made my day.

away we go

2009-03-31T00:33:00.002-04:00

totally seeing this.

john krasinski with a beard = even cuter than john krasinski without a beard.

everything is amazing...

2009-03-29T00:21:00.001-04:00

and no one is happy.

so true!

application

2009-03-15T22:48:00.001-04:00

"marx said religion was the opiate of the people, but he didn't live in the time of youtube."

- steve carroll

ripped from the headlines

2009-03-09T23:01:00.002-04:00

a few real winners on my bbc rss feed today.

"man's underpants shredded in fight with kangaroo."

"chimp in swedish zoo 'planned' stone attacks on visitors."

i want to go to there

2009-03-06T12:51:00.005-05:00

the obama girls just got the sweetest swingset of all time! and it's right outside the oval office.

so jealous!

final countdown

2009-02-28T01:18:00.002-05:00

withdrawing from iraq,
the duty of the american people,
and the honor of those who've served.

all here.

philosophy

2009-02-25T00:02:00.002-05:00

i'm taking an american philosophy course this semester, and while my seminar on disney has the most reading, my statistics class is the most out of my comfort zone, my education policy course makes me argue, and 20th century american history moves at the speed of light... philosophy is the one kicking my academic butt.

it's not too much work. it's not un-doable. it's just... stretching. in a good way, i think. but it's tough.

in any case, i'm enjoying it. there are 5 people in the class, so we're all engaged with the readings (and with each other) in a very real way. and i'm learning. a lot.

here are a few of my favorite excerpts from the first 2.5 weeks of american philosophy:

when an ostrich buries its head in the sand as danger approaches, it very likely takes the happiest course. it hides the danger, and then calmly says there is no danger; and, if it feels perfectly sure there is none, why should it raise its head to see? a man may go through life, systematically keeping out of view all that might cause a change in his opinions, and if he only succeeds -- basing his method, as he does, on two fundamental psychological laws -- i do not see what can be said against his doing so. it would be an egotistical impertinence to object that his procedure is irrational, for that only amounts to saying that his method of settling belief is not ours. he does not propose himself to be rational, and indeed, will often talk with scorn of man's weak and illusive reason. so let him think as he pleases... [but] this conception, that another man's thought or sentiment may be equivalent to one's own, is a distinctly new step, and a highly important one.
- charles peirce

all that the human heart wants is its chance. it will willingly forego certainty in universal matters if only it can be allowed to feel that in them it has that same inalienable right to run risks, which no one dreams of refusing to it in the pettiest practical affairs.
- william james

if

2009-02-23T00:56:00.002-05:00

if the wind outside is howling loud enough that you need to raise your voice to speak to someone in the same room you are...

school should be canceled.

i'm just saying... think about it.

a.dor.a.ble

2009-02-11T18:14:00.001-05:00

losing touch

2009-02-06T14:24:00.001-05:00

the guitar at the end... epic.

pictures

2009-01-20T03:56:00.003-05:00

paris pictures are finally posted.

it only took me 23 days! let's hope italy's go up a little quicker than that.

part 1

part 2

i'm so very

2009-01-13T23:19:00.002-05:00

thankful for my health.

sometimes it's finicky, and throws little fits (like when i drink milk despite my knowing better), but overall... it keeps me going.

some things can't easily be fixed, and thankfully i have very few of them.

random realization #1.

we're off

2008-12-18T20:42:00.002-05:00

for christmas vacation.

hopefully we'll get out alright tomorrow before the snow grounds us for the weekend!

happy and merry, all.
"glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men, on whom His favor rests."

the one place

2008-12-10T12:34:00.003-05:00

you should not go during reading period at wellesley is the library.
seems a little strange.
but it's true.

i just got back from a morning in the school archives, digging (oh so carefully) through maps of the college from the 1900's for a final paper. i've come to love the archives, and use them as often as i possibly can. but even the walk through the lobby of the library and up the 3 flights of stairs to the temperature-controlled room in which i was planning to work was enough to raise my stress level a few notches.

it's tangible, the collective freaking-out that's going on. for some reason everyone seems particularly unprepared for the final exams and papers of this semester. i'm not sure why (maybe i'm making this up), but i do know that i'm not ready for them. i'm just ready for them to be over.

currently

2008-12-09T00:27:00.002-05:00

it's 9 degrees outside.

tomorrow it's supposed to be 49.

i do not understand this place.

i won't be punked

2008-12-04T16:23:00.000-05:00

oops

december, the first.

2008-12-01T22:18:00.002-05:00

today the sun shone sixty one degrees.
the trees, confused, are beginning to bud.

some sort of moth plague has come upon campus,
we find them flitting into classrooms and dormitories.

i am likewise.

tomorrow promises only forty-four.
i wonder whether the moths will make it through the night.

my window has not yet been closed; unlike them, i live in sleep better in cold.

thankful

2008-11-29T18:24:00.004-05:00

i wrote this e-mail to a friend last thanksgiving.
it all still applies.

hey babes.

i'm thankful.
for my family.
for a warm house.
for even warmer hugs :)
for way. too. much. food.
for wine. and limoncello.
for a hot tub.
for naps.

for sitting on the couch with my sister falling asleep in my lap, while i run my hands through her hair.
for holding my second cousin and hearing him babble.
the nonsense of children is beautiful.
for setting the table together.
for laughing at ev.ery.thing.
maybe this was because of the wine :)

for meeting street.
for apple cider.
for you.

for Love.
for Him.

so blessed.

absence

2008-11-29T18:20:00.003-05:00

i've been gone for quite some time.

it's good to feel like you're inhabiting your own life - it's just sad that this is a change from the way things have been.

i'm forever indebted to those who have kept calling, e-mailing, and knocking on my door while i lacked any motivation to initiate conversation (not for lack of caring). if you hadn't i'm not sure i would have known just how much things had changed and needed to change again.

but now... things are lookin' up! the end of the semester is in sight - even if the list of things to do between now and then is a mile long - and i'm able to look past the list to the things to come.

so glad to be back!

date local

2008-10-24T01:00:00.001-04:00

the environmental argument against long distance relationships.

http://www.slate.com/id/2202431/

the thing

2008-10-21T17:19:00.001-04:00

about "once in a lifetime" love is that you only need it that once.

so, if you're not ready for it i suppose you should just slow down.

saving the conclusion

2008-10-21T01:13:00.002-04:00

you know when you get those spurts of production that are, frankly, surprising?
it's pleasant. a nice reminder that maybe you're not as hopeless as you typically seem.

well, had one of those. wrote 6 of the 7-9 pages needed for a research paper due tomorrow in the course of 2.5 hours. that's quick for me.

and now it's 1:15 am and i can't bring myself to write a conclusion and format my bibliography.

why is it that that last little bit is always so painful?
why is packing up the last few things in your desk drawers exponentially more annoying than banishing your books to a box?

the paper's not due til 1:30 tomorrow. that's 12 whole hours from now! it'll get done.

think

2008-10-09T23:33:00.004-04:00

... to use the language of decline, decay and despair rather than doom, gloom, and no possibility. because i think any talk about despair is not where you end, but where you start, and then the courage and the sacrifice come in -- but at the level of hope. not optimism. optimism and hope are different. optimism tends to be based on the notion that there's enough evidence out there that allows us to think that things are gonna be better. it's much more rational, deeply secular. where as hope looks at the evidence and says, "it doesn't look good at all. it doesn't look good at all." we're gonna go beyond the evidence in an attempt to create new possibilities based on visions that become contagious to allow us to engage in heroic actions always against the odds, everywhere. that's hope. i'm a prisoner of hope, though. i'm gonna die a prisoner of hope. never believe misery and despair have the last word.

but i think if white folks were to experience black sadness it would be too overwhelming for them. very few whites could take seriously black sadness and still live the lives that they are living. "oh, it couldn't be that bad." they have their own former sadness. it tends to be linked to the american dream. but it's a very very different type of sadness.

- cornel west, on the la riots of 1992

best

2008-10-05T14:54:00.002-04:00

movie ever.

twenty percent

2008-09-29T22:20:00.002-04:00

juno: i think you are the coolest person i've ever met. and you don't even have to try.

bleeker: i try really hard, actually...

juno: no, you're naturally smart. you always think of the funniest things to do. remember when you passed me that postcard during spanish class and it was addressed like "junebug mcguff, row 4, third seat from the blackboard"? and it said "i'm having fun in barcelona- wish you were here"? that was hilarious.

bleeker: i was just bored. i only think school is awesome like 80% of the time.

made of honor

2008-09-28T23:46:00.003-04:00

why i thought it would be a good idea to watch this splendidly awful movie tonight, i have no idea.
chick flicks alone are the result of a half-baked plan, if you ask me. because when they're over you're even more acutely aware of how alone you are. maybe it's only for the 90 minutes you're watching someone else's life come spectacularly together, but still...

this is particularly true for any "best friends" flick. you know the kind i mean.
"after all these years, tom, you're telling me this on the night before my wedding?"

never good before bed.
gives me a racing mind and an upset stomach.

and i tell myself i'll remember not to ingest such upsetting material again, but we all do. even if we know better.

lately

2008-09-11T12:38:00.002-04:00

my greatest fear = they are a gateway drug to a world of pickup trucks, hounds, and hats.

from "a birthday for frances" by russell hoban

2008-09-10T00:34:00.007-04:00

"little sisters are not much r-v-s-m," said frances.
"good?" said albert.
"that's right," said frances.
"no, they are not," said albert. "they can't catch, they can't throw. when you play hide and seek, they always hide in places where part of them is sticking out."
"they take your sand pail and your shovel too," said frances. "they pull the button eyes off dolls that have button eyes. they break your crayons so there are no long ones left in the box. they put water in your mud pies when you don't want them to. i don't think many of them would deserve a candy bar."

pour

2008-09-06T22:51:00.002-04:00

i slept at 3 this morning.
not long after, i awoke, prepared, and set out for what was proclaimed as "an adventure."
tourism in tropical storm.
there we were... out on the spit. exposed from every side, yet socked in by the sea air.
the town was quaint. the lobster, sweet.

i thought of you twice today, most likely hunched over books and notes, preparing to pass along the knowledge of your favorite human being tomorrow morning.
i hope you find another.
not to diminish his place, but to learn what having such a person may be.
if only we each were someone else.

i know i enjoy rain.
i look forward to it.
only, i enjoy it when i'm pajama-clad in my room, listening to it fall as feist whispers through my speakers. not when my jeans shrink on my legs, and the denim is cool against my skin the rest of the afternoon.

morning light

2008-08-13T17:37:00.002-04:00

it's amazing how much difference sleep can make.
the sun rises again, and the rambles of the night before seem silly.

although emotions have a new-found power over my stomach, i think i may be able to eat dinner.

unvited

2008-07-27T23:25:00.002-04:00

i had a dream last night, buried somewhere in the 9 hours of unconsciousness, that i was explicitly invited. we were all in your library (which, in actuality, you don't have), a fire was burning, and candles were lit. someone was reading hawthorne. there were, without a doubt, ceramic mugs in use. a leather couch. i was right in the middle, for once, in an oversized scandinavian sweater and leggings. somehow i could see us all, while being there, from the outside. snow drifted against the window panes, but the pulsing lights were visible, and i could see myself laugh, sip, and pull my braided hair over my shoulder (it's barely reached my shoulders during the day). the warmth of that moment was tangible, even as an omniscient observer out in the winter.

then something, who knows what, happened and i was instantly enraged. the heat all rose to my cheeks and suddenly my sweater was itchy and the room too small. i pushed through the doorway to the entrance to the house, knocking over a mug precariously placed on the corner of an end table. i distinctly remember faces. no one was sad to see me go. just confused. but not even remotely curious. no one stopped me and out i ran, into the blank white world, with only my wool socks to protect my unpolished toes. i thought i could make it home, but instead i found myself knocking, embarrassed, on the door to the house i'd just left. there was a lion door knocker. you know the kind i mean. to make matters worse, my boots were not at the door. i ran through the house, stumbling over legs and books and ash trays and, most likely, more mugs. i just wanted to get out into the open air, away from the stifling heat of the previously cozy fire.

when i woke up i wondered if i truly am leaving.
i think i may be.

declaration

2008-07-24T00:02:00.001-04:00

mama provisoire

2008-07-21T23:34:00.003-04:00

today i bought them french fries and vanilla milkshakes.

despite the sugar jolt to their systems they both fell asleep in the car on the way home. their twin heads bobbled down their bumpy road.

they held onto my legs while i ordered their... happiness.

i could, even if only for a few fleeting seconds, see the appeal of this life-
toting bags, car seats, and stickytired children only to return home, carrying them in to their beds one at a time, wiping the ice cream and salt (so carefully picked from the bottom of the enveloppe des frites) from their open mouths and smiling at the ketchup that somehow made its way into their hairline.

righteousness

2008-06-29T19:04:00.004-04:00

so learn to "speak the gospel" to one's heart. for example, when the law creeps into your conscience, learn to be a cunning logician -- learn to use arguments of the gospel against it. say:

o law! you would climb up into the kingdom of my conscience, and there reign and condemn me for sin, and would take from me the joy of my heart which i have by faith in Christ, and drive me to desperation, that i might be without hope. you have overstepped your bounds. know your place! you are a guide for my behavior, but you are not Savior and Lord of my heart. for i am baptized, and through the gospel am called to receive righteousness and eternal life... so trouble me not! for i will not allow you, so intolerable a tyrant and tormentor, to reign in my heart and conscience -- for they are the seat and temple of Christ the Son of God, who is the king of righteousness and peace, and my most sweet savior and mediator. He shall keep my conscience joyful and quiet in the sound and pure doctrine of the gospel, through the knowledge of this passive and heavenly righteousness.

-- martin luther's preface to galatians
(abridgement and paraphrase by tim keller)

pursuit of...

2008-06-13T01:46:00.002-04:00

american ignorance. isn't that a part of the american experience? if i may throw some logic at you- americans are defined as people willing to be involved in the pursuit of happiness. and ignorance is bliss. therefore, the founding fathers have put us on this path. we are pursuing ignorance to get to that happiness. checkmate.

- jon stewart to rick shenkman, author of "just how stupid are we: facing the truth about the american voter"

lone

2008-06-06T11:59:00.003-04:00

happenings

2008-06-05T01:21:00.003-04:00

sister: dad, i need to talk to you about the computer.

dad: what about it?

sister: you set that parental control thing up, and i think you must have checked the box that says i can't go on inappropriate sites.

dad: explain to me why this is a problem.

sister: well, i need new shorts for practice and i was gonna look at dick's sporting goods, but it won't let me on the website...

i believe

2008-06-01T00:18:00.001-04:00

that life should be fabulous.

and friends, today, for 148 minutes... it was.

closet forgiveness

2008-05-29T15:50:00.005-04:00

i haven't been trusting any one of my senses lately. i heard rustling from the dining room this morning that i was sure was the cat pulling at a ribbon tied around the flowers on the table. but i couldn't be sure until i had snuck around the corner and seen her biting at the frayed edge. i grabbed the mail from the mailbox mounted beside the door, but turned when my hand met the doorknob and peered into the compartment just to be sure i hadn't missed a letter, although i hadn't felt anything but the smooth metal of its empty insides. i knew, inherently, that a large coffee on an empty stomach was a less than ingenious idea, but in order to prove this to myself, to teach myself this lesson, i had to order one and put myself through the flutterings and jitters that ensued. and i knew that my skin wasn't ready for an afternoon in direct sun, but i set out to burn slightly, only applying sunscreen after already being out for nearly an hour, so i would remember for the remainder of the season that forgetting is simply unacceptable. this attempt at teaching myself, at double, triple, quadruple checking each feeling and thought has lead me, in a bizarre way, to a place i "should have" reached months ago.

while coloring myself this afternoon i finished a book i "should have" read a year ago. traveling mercies has been shuttled on every possible trip or move - each time with a renewed intention to finally crack it open. this isn't because i wanted to read it, you should know. this is simply because i've been told i wanted to. i've been told i will adore anne lamott. that her quirks and biting tone will make my inner cynic feel at home, and assure me that even the sarcastic can be saved. i hate these situations - being told i'll love something, or worse, someone. i'm immediately predisposed to abhor it, or them. so it was with lamott. and i did. i genuinely despised her for 263.75 pages.

she was the fashionable christian i have always wanted to be. she suffered - alcoholism, drugs, losing loved ones, single motherhood. she found God in the most gloriously twisted intellectual way possible. she peppered her stories with references to rumi and didion in a casual way that i took as both elitist and pompous. she swore and never once mentioned that this may be a problem. the resentment and jealousy only built as i continued to read, but i couldn't stop. honest regarding her flaws, i waited for the page when she would admit her pride and start straight talkin'. all the while i sipped the large iced drug in the sweating cup next to me. i fidgeted. i knew it was coming. soon. and when it did i would go inside, shower, and set the book down forever.

it simply never came.

instead i fell in love with sam, lamott's son, and echoed his frustrations with his mother, his desire for her to just be a normal mom and to stop trying to teach us so damn much. who did she think she was, anyway?

i should have recognized the jealousy, the anger, the edge i injected into an already bittersweet collection of stories. i should have taken even just a moment to examine why it was i could not stand this woman i, at the same time, wanted to be. instead i continued reading and drinking my coffee. and i hit 264.

eight pages from the end of the book i stopped, just for a second, thinking of the author. with eight pages remaining i began to simply read words. this was the least conscious decision i had made in a week. it wasn't anything she said that did it. i've dogeared pages, and reading back over them they simply aren't speaking. but somehow the unconscious nature of my acceptance moved me to a place where i saw much more clearly that i had been consistently choosing to leave anything remotely personal unchecked, ignoring even the first whisper of a problem. i'd asked twice to make sure i got the right coffee, but had left too much else unquestioned.

the book finished and closed, i lay in bed, craving exhaustion while caffeine left my eyes open and my arms in constant motion. i was on edge, on the edge of something. upstairs i drank half a bottle of water and began to relax. a familiar film was on television, and i caught my favorite moment. (cue the flood.) the simplicity of children, and of a declaration of love with no necessity or expectation of reciprocation, was much more than i could handle.

last night i'd heard but ignored the logical "what if" explanation proposed as i told, once again, the story of how i'd been wronged. earlier that day i'd relished as another abhorred the experience almost to the same degree i had. i'd neglected the fact that this harboring of spite clearly meant there was plenty that had not, and has not, been forgiven. thoughts of january were the flood, and for a minute the shakes i so clearly had were not of undirected energy, but of fear and of despair. glancing into my closet i saw my new favorite dress, yet to be worn, and i immediately set to putting it on. it fit as i'd remembered, and my anticipation of its inaugural journey into the world beyond my room made me smile. i tried on two more, each of them also belonging to that rare breed of clothing item, the one that you have an instant affinity for, but insist on showing to your co-shopper for reassurance that you do look as fabulous as you suspect. as i zipped up, surprisingly successfully, a dress i bought 4 years ago, i realized-

i'm more comfortable being uncomfortable, which is part of the reason i let myself burn rather than being unfashionably but safely pale. it's also a major reason why i have refused to forgive for, in some cases, years. it's so much simpler to be angry most days. it gives you drive to succeed (prove him wrong!), something to talk about over lunch (what can you do?), and a lament to present on a late night movie and milkshake run (who does that?!). the small voice, the innate sense that i hadn't put rejections to rest, was uncomfortably confirmed when i simply could not imagine giving fully with no expectation to receive.

it aches to discover your inability, the depth of your sin, the selfishness that is so completely inherent in far too many of your actions. i cannot fully describe what this consists of. having your heart broken for those that you yourself have harbored anger against is in no way pleasant, and it's anything but simple. but the realization that this is a place you could not have brought yourself, a lesson that no lack of sunscreen could teach, may make your place in the gale somewhat easier to weather. for along with this realization is its partner - that the One who places that ache will just as surely heal it; that He who, in love, gives the lesson will also give the strength to apply it.

i was also thinking of a priest i have mentioned before, who said that sometimes he thinks that heaven is just a new pair of glasses. i was trying to remember to wear them. i was trying to spend less time thinking about what i see and more time thinking about why i see it that way. -anne lamott

wisdom

2008-05-24T00:06:00.002-04:00

things i can do:
- sleep whenever and for however long i want.
- this has resulted in a lack of distinction between night and day.
- camp out on the couch with an island of electronics and food/drink around me.
- eat sorbet for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
- look like a slob.
- eat chicken salad out of the container.
- get to know the daytime tv schedule far too intimately.
- catch up on blog reading, tv watching, and facebook stalking.

things i can't do:
- look even remotely presentable.
- make important decisions (thank you vicodin).
- eat anything crunchy, or even solid really.
- exercise.
- yawn. it hurts. (not too much of a problem because of the excessive sleeping.)
- go to the nuuuuumerous events i'd like to attend this weekend.
- operate heavy machinery (again, vicodin).
- eat the dinner my family eats together. i join them with a bowl of applesauce.

thank you, teeth.

apropos

2008-05-19T11:29:00.001-04:00

the thing of it is, i'm convinced, until you reckon with, in a very deep way, the love of God for you, you will not be open to receiving affection from other people except as you are addicted to it. you will not be able to really love another person, except as a means to manipulate, until you answer that fundamental question that exists in every human heart about the love of God being poured out in his sovereign purposes so that those who believe are adopted into his family.

- pastor rick downs

vocabulary

2008-05-17T18:51:00.003-04:00

why why why would you EVER call a place your "family compound?"

it sounds... wrong.

compound- noun.
- an open area in a prison, prison camp, or work camp.
origin- late 17th century (referring to such a place in southeast asia)

explain.

i wanna wake up where you are

2008-05-16T14:50:00.002-04:00

but you're all in different places.

it's getting to the point where i'm fractured. pulled in at least five different directions.

i'm living alone for the next 48 hours - a taste of what's to come. not sure i'm a fan.

a professor asked me if i'm going to make it to the minnesota state fair this year. i haven't been back to the north star state in over three years.

i'm waffling, flip-flopping, between an interest far too intense for five to seven pages and a complete lack of concern for my grades. this doesn't make finishing my last paper very easy (or quick).

surprisingly, i can't wait to come back. and i haven't left.

"it's been hardly a moment- you are already missed."

i wish i'd done the leaving, not ended up being the one left.

sickening

2008-05-11T22:07:00.000-04:00

sometimes what we do is simply inexcusable.

new laugh

2008-05-10T00:35:00.001-04:00

i just started arrested development- a dangerous decision for the weekend before exams. i'm trying to trust myself.

what i'll miss

2008-05-07T23:39:00.001-04:00

about sweater weather

facilement

2008-05-07T19:29:00.002-04:00

today's a day when the love flows easy.
it's nearly over, i think that's why.

a laugh on the bus.
a joke about home.
a circus tent on the lawn.
fireworks at eight.

today the love flows easy.
i've been up for thirteen hours at seven.

but we laughed at how inept they seemed,
nodded at well-formulated arguments,
rode on the turnpike.

today's a day when the love flows easy.
perhaps too easy.
and i'll find myself back here too soon.

wijn

2008-04-25T23:24:00.003-04:00

sometimes i feel there are worlds i simply haven't entered
like indie music
or true scholarship
or maybe even the best berry

days i haven't lived

me's i haven't known

i'm curled
head pounding with blueberry
and the verge i knew you on
is now something you've told me you passed

we swam, once
veins flowing with apple
in a quintessential new england lake.
we argued about school.

sang punk on the dark twisted ride home and it was all ok

we have been
(despite debates in my parked car)

i can hear them stumbling on the brick outside my window-
the sounds of friday night
and i miss when you said
"i'm glad you're here.
they speak their own language"

the blueberry's slowed
and she's screamed outside
"yesssssss, let's gooooooooo!"

cue the sirens.

it's hard to feel you're helping
when you're more than a phone call away.

guessing it's good

2008-04-25T00:24:00.002-04:00

why else would you keep it?

comfort in its unease.
consistency in its misuse.
safety in its awkward nature.
complete assurance in its futility.

it may not be good,
but it's going nowhere.

waiting for my real life to begin

2008-04-20T23:23:00.003-04:00

any minute now my ship is coming in
i'll keep checking the horizon
and i'll stand on the bow
and feel the waves come crashing
come crashing down, down, down on me

and you said,"be still, my love
open up your heart
let the light shine in"
don't you understand?
i already have a plan
i'm waiting for my real life to begin

when i awoke today suddenly nothing happened
but in my dreams I slew the dragon
and down this beaten path
and up this cobbled lane
i'm walking in my own footsteps once again

and you say,"just be here now
forget about the past
your mask is wearing thin"
let me throw one more dice
i know that i can win
i'm waiting for my real life to begin

any minute now my ship is coming in
i'll keep checking the horizon
and i'll check my machine
there's sure to be that call
it's gonna happen soon, soon, oh so very soon
it's just that times are lean

and you say,"be still, my love
open up your heart
let the light shine in"
don't you understand?
i already have a plan
i'm waiting for my real life to begin

on a clear day
i can see, see for a long way

on a clear day
i can see, see a very long way

vision

2008-04-19T15:45:00.002-04:00

the comparisons between love and various abilities of sight are too numerous, if you ask me. "love is blind..." "love has 20/20 vision..."
there's some validity to them, of course. there are things we (consciously or unconsciously) choose not to see in those we love. and there are certainly those we love that we see completely and comprehensively, yet still adore.

lately, though, i've been thinking about how much love speaks.
and what it says.
"i love you." yeah, yeah, yeah.
that's been discussed.

what i've been feeling is that i owe those i love a glimpse through my 20/20.
i owe them an explanation of why they bother me occasionally.
a talk about responsibility and consideration.
if i love you
this shouldn't change anything.

as you venture into the wide world, shouldn't you want the experience of those who care about you, their expertise on your quirks and idiosyncrasies, to draw upon?
i want you to find love.
in your call, in another person, in the life you decide to live.

that's all.
i don't want a fight
a lecture
i want to help you find it.

so, when i ask what you want to do next weekend, i'd appreciate it if you respond before friday afternoon.

just a thought.

hilarity

2008-04-14T12:00:00.000-04:00

guess who...

2008-04-09T11:13:00.002-04:00

is coming to wellesley.

him and him!

summer

2008-04-06T19:54:00.003-04:00

[f]or many years i looked at life like a case at law, a series of proofs. when you're young you prove how brave you are, or smart; then, what a good lover; then a good father; finally, how wise, or powerful... but underlying it all, i see now, there was a presumption. that i was moving on an upward path toward some elevation, where - god knows what - i would be justified, or even condemned - a verdict anyway. i think now that my disaster really began when i looked up one day - and the bench was empty. no judge in sight. and all that remained was this endless argument with oneself - this pointless litigation of existence before an empty bench. which, of course, is another way of saying - despair.
-arthur miller, after the fall

self-satisfaction is really the highest thing we can hope for.
-spinoza

but with me it is a very small thing that i should be judged by you or any human court. in fact, i do not even judge myself. for i am not aware of anything against myself, but i am not thereby acquitted. it is the Lord who judges me.
-1 corinthians 4

i love the preparation before church. i love the quotes we're given to meditate on. i love the serendipity with which they're chosen. i love that no matter what i may hear or think in the next week (month, year)... "it is a very small thing."

praise God.

thunderstorms

2008-04-01T23:49:00.001-04:00

make me smile.

pronouns

2008-04-01T20:33:00.003-04:00

today
the he's love the she's
- or the he's.
somewhere in it
there's still a me.
he's there,
she's there,
- but so is me.
when i heard,
i knew it's what i've wanted:
loving in a simple way.
without the complication
i highly doubt you'd stay.

at the moment
there is no you.
perhaps you'll surprise me
in your simplicity too.

american tune

2008-03-28T13:06:00.001-04:00

ruby red

2008-03-27T23:08:00.003-04:00

i will admit
i've been jealous of their imperfection.
their fashionable flaws.
those habits that, even if they're begun out of necessity, are not conscious decisions.
these were things i contemplated logically.

i considered adopting one.
or five.
nothing healthy, i assure you. nothing helpful-
except for its clever ability to mask my own detriments-

about as fashionable as the snowman turtleneck that comes out each family christmas.
not charming. simply pitiful.
i should know better.
don't i see them? the wrong that's now so right?

i read vogue with the same dedication with which i attend church.
it's never
...
...
for my own life. for my true consideration.
i perused their catalog in a similar manner.

if only i could choose, i still lament-
if only i could decide which vintage problems to sport-
i'd be a hot ticket.

my comfort with the sour flesh of fruit would disappear to reveal
a fix much more smoky
sultry.

i'm simply stuck in the sour.

senseless season

2008-03-18T21:10:00.002-04:00

this is one of those times when you grasp.
gasp.

you hope, you know, that it will end. will work.
but now you're doing the working, with no end in view.

spring break is next week, and i'm looking forward to time with my family, friends, and a select group of homework assignments. the grind of this everyweek-everyday-everyhour-everyminute place has taken its toll. i've never been so consumed by something so temporal.

i've had, providentially i'm sure, a few songs playing over in my head the past week or so. it really is too bad that i live in a dormitory where singing in the shower isn't encouraged. but for those of you who are lucky enough to have your own showering facilities (where you don't have to wear flip-flops or carry a little caddy with you), you may want to try these out sometime soon.
a memory
cheesy pictures, catchy chorus

red nails

2008-03-10T12:29:00.002-04:00

he told me i'm his favorite-
nice, in many ways.
i'm fitting in my skinny jeans
on not-so-skinny days.

ruwach

2008-03-09T16:12:00.003-04:00

it looked beautiful;
and as soon as i stepped out i could feel
you were moving.

leaving the station i couldn't tell
whether the moisture flying off the sides of my cheeks
was a consequence of seeing her go
or simply you,
reddening my face, freezing my fingers.

your breath stole mine away.

i love sitting
in bed with your book,
hearing you sing and sigh
outside.

dance

2008-02-29T14:12:00.002-05:00

you'll feel better....

get started
4321!
keep it up
slow it down
mo problems, mo dancing
yeah!
wind down

when you work it out.

we did it!

2008-02-27T15:44:00.001-05:00

a step

preparation

2008-02-24T23:23:00.002-05:00

tell me not in mournful numbers,
life is but an empty dream! -
for the soul is dead that slumbers
and things are not what they seem.

life is real! life is earnest!
and the grave is not its goal;
dust thou art, to dust returnest,
was not spoken of the soul.

- henry wadsworth longfellow

i caught the cold for you

2008-02-19T20:01:00.003-05:00

excerpts from experience and thought
many many "you"s.

2.4
there are times and places destined for me alone. this sounds lovely, but when those times are 2 am or those places are classrooms at a school whose relationship with you, and yours with it, is more complex than any of your faux-romances, it's a hard pill to swallow.
i hated studying stars. with a passion as strong as the burning fires that fuel them.

compartmentalizing is an unpleasantly natural process. unpacking is worse than packing in the first place. you end up with a suitcase of rumpled clothes that smell like security, and you come to find you left a sock in the old midwest.

2.7
i wanted you to see the snowflakes that had fallen in my hair, but especially the three on my eyelashes. they melted before you looked. at me.
someone told me that when he saw the girl i now believe he'll marry (previously a stranger) he was impressed.
that word.
she impressed him.
i don't know that i'm impressive or ever will be. i'm more of a vine you follow up the brick, watching its twists turns and splits, eventually appreciative of its pleasantly invasive existence.

2.10
i convinced myself today that you would be an absent father to our children - obeyed, respected, maybe even loved - but not present. not known.
that's all i could come up with.

2.11
also, you wouldn't train our dog.

you listened with your eyes.
i could make you laugh, which i enjoyed.

2.12
trying to model my future after his present, it was comforting to find that my present is similar to his past. i'm wondering if i should wish you a happy valentine's day.

2.13
this is something i'm interested in.
you swear often. you can't fix cars, but you're an avid mac user. today you defended our city. our state, but not our current one.

i'll never truly recover it.
you won't lie on the bike path with me in august, swatting bugs and searching for stars between the branches and through the golden streetlight glow.
even if you want to.

2.14
someone told me today that you sleep with your students.
when you have chalk on your hands my hands start getting sweaty.

last night

2008-02-19T19:27:00.000-05:00

in the age of beach toys

2008-02-18T19:09:00.002-05:00

this weekend my mom told me that the tissues that come in the small square boxes are actually exactly the same as those in the long rectangular boxes. somewhere i knew this. but having the conversation was enlightening.
laughing over fatigue and a lack of groceries.
sniffling and hacking together on the sofa of germs.
i can't tell you how many times eyes were rolled, lame jokes were made, or how absolutely ridiculous i looked in my mother's borrowed fleece pants and oversized sweatshirt.
we talked today about how tess and i made friends at the lake.
sometimes you just have to go home.

batter my heart

2008-02-18T18:59:00.002-05:00

by john donne

batter my heart, three-person'd God, for you
as yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
that i may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
i, like an usurp'd town to another due,
labor to admit you, but oh, to no end;
reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
but is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue.
yet dearly i love you, and would be lov'd fain,
but am betroth'd unto your enemy;
divorce me, untie or break that knot again,
take me to you, imprison me, for i,
except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

gift for hearts

2008-02-13T21:23:00.002-05:00

tim keller's book the reason for god comes out tomorrow.

vote

2008-02-08T17:00:00.000-05:00

my lovely friend suzie posted this.
this is the country i want to live in.
... sweet land ...

the night

2008-01-25T00:48:00.000-05:00

i like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. this is the night, what it does to you. i had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.
-jack kerouac

increase

2008-01-21T21:46:00.000-05:00

he knew all the mathers.

sitting on his suitcase, he was completely absorbed in lepore's "the name of war," the same book i'd grabbed for free outside a stranger's door. it's strange how much books mean. at 6'3", it was difficult for him to balance on the size-efficient baggage he was carrying on.

he made me smile.

sitting in front of me on the plane, he made it possible for me to read over his shoulder, previewing the book that i knew was waiting for me on my desk at home. he made it more interesting, king phillip's war.

when they announced that we were flying over the hudson river he lifted his shade and peered through the clouds.

receiving his cup of water, he responded with "thank you sir." when he finished, he kept it, even though everyone else's had been collected. he chewed the cylindrical ice cubes one by one- just like i do.

i have to admit i scanned the baggage claim. not for my suitcase (i'd checked it).

but he'd carried on.

maybe he didn't know all the mathers. but he dogeared page 101, which included a calendar of the puritan days of thanksgiving and fasting.

i should have sat in the emergency exit row - i'm ready and willing to respond!

2008-01-15T18:00:00.000-05:00

birth day

my aunt told us today that in the early church they named the day that a person passed away from this earth as their birth day.

my grandfather turned 89 yesterday.
today we can say "happy birthday grandma."

veni creator

2008-01-14T19:54:00.000-05:00

by czeslaw milosz

come, holy spirit,
bending or not bending the grasses,
appearing or not above our heads in a tongue of flame,
at hay harvest or when they plough in the orchards,
or when snow covers crippled firs in the sierra nevada.

i am only a human being: i need visible signs.
i tire easily, building the stairway of abstraction.
many a time i asked, you know it well,
that the statue in church lift its hand, only once, just once, for me.
but i understand that signs must be human,
therefore, call one person, anywhere on earth,
not me -after all i have some decency-
and allow me, when i look at that person,
to marvel at you.

all at once

2008-01-11T21:49:00.000-05:00

it's hard to say when it started. maybe those who are older than i am would know. but i can mark one day that it all seemed to stem from. we were at the zoo, my sister, grandparents, and i. the minnesota zoo. the big one. you had to pay to get in. eager to squeeze as much as possible into our day, i insisted on seeing the dolphin show. my grandparents are not indulgent people, necessarily, but we saw them rarely and hey- it was included with admission. we paid for it. we were going to see it. climbing the cement bleachers to the seats my sister and i had carefully scouted, my grandmother slipped and fell down the stairs below her. i can still see her, her hair moving from its careful curl, her face in complete shock. she landed. the room seemed silent around us, although i'm sure it wasn't. bones had broken, and so had my relationship with my grandparents. ever since that day i've felt somewhat responsible for what followed.

the alzheimer's had begun before then, i'm sure. it couldn't have stemmed from a broken arm. but from that day on, things got worse. my lovely grandmother, the one who collected presents for my sister and i throughout the year, waiting for our next visit... my grandmother, the one who you could never get to sit down for a family dinner because she was so busy making sure everyone else was happy... my grandmother, the one who sang hymns like no one else i've ever met... my grandmother was disappearing.

it's been years since the zoo. i was able to skip a day of 5th grade for that trip to see the dolphins, if i remember correctly. it's only recently that i've been able to reconnect with my grandparents, asking my grandpa about the war and the letters he wrote to grandma, and singing hymns with a zeal that i can only understand as a connection God has provided me with my dying grandmother. i'm so thankful for this. for the time i've had with them both, for the lessons they've taught me, especially for those that have only become profound with my own maturity. i'm blessed by them. i don't deserve such love. they truly do emulate their Father. that i could be so faithful...

we covet your prayers as my grandmother is in hospice care and is not expected to live much longer. we praise God for her unwavering faith, and trust that she will soon see her Father.

amen

2008-01-10T14:43:00.000-05:00

john piper

love

2008-01-05T18:59:00.000-05:00

i am trusting that i am loved. that i always have been. that i always will be. i don't have to do anything. i don't have to prove anything or achieve anything or accomplish one more thing. that exactly as i am, i am totally accepted, forgiven, and there is nothing i could ever do to lose this acceptance.

-rob bell

2008-01-02T00:53:00.000-05:00

on friendship

2007-12-27T12:37:00.000-05:00

from the prophet by khalil gibran

and let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
for love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.

and let your best be for your friend.
if he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
for what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
seek him always with hours to live.
for it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
and in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
for in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

fortune cookie

2007-12-15T18:04:00.000-05:00

if you just reached in, you could take it away.
that false future.
and after,
if you were careful,
you might be able to slip a new one inside.
one you'd written.

my back turned,
i'd never know.
i might think it was
just what we'd ordered.

luke by candlelight

2007-12-09T15:21:00.000-05:00

we read a portion of luke two to the children this morning.
starting with "and there were shepherds," we talked about the peace the angels promised. before rebecca could even get to "they were terrified," i had lost it.
too many memories of standing around the dining room table on lincoln st. came rushing back at once. all eleven of us, reciting from memory.
"in those days..."
and then over to 161st for the "silent night" processional, candles in hands.

i'm having a hard time with the fact that i won't be seeing my extended family for christmas this year. i've been feeling closer and closer to them as i've grown older, even though i don't see them as often. perhaps what's even harder to come to terms with is the fact that i won't be experiencing christmas through the eyes of a child. there's always that moment of sheer joy when the wrapping is off, and the perfect present sits in her lap. or the beautiful image of his recitation of "good news of great joy."

perhaps i'll just have to remind myself of the wonder.
i've been given the perfect gift. i have good news.
and the greatest joy.